The JoyFoo Life!~

It has been 2 weeks since my hotmail and social media accounts were hacked. My password was changed, and I was not able to sign in to facebook/Instagram/messenger/Carousell.

I received an email from the hacker himself, email sent from my email to me, which was really scary, as he guessed my password correctly.

One month before this incident, for the first time, I felt that I have been spending too much time on social media, to the point that I was addicted.

I jokingly told my sister that I need to stop going on social media for 3 months, and need to do a social media fast.

Little did I know, that my wish will come true so soon.

Right now, as I am blogging, I have lost all access as my Facebook has been disabled, and Instagram is gone.

It was a big blow, as there were so many years of memories stored there.

Being someone who actively post and share things on these platform, it felt like a big part of me is missing.

Suddenly, I am in a world of only myself and the people around me.

There is no one from the virtual world who could affirm me, like my post, or look at what I shared.

Reality sinks in, there is only me and the people I come face to face to in my actual life.

Life is much quieter now. Yet, it might not be for the worst.

I realised that I was able to live in the moment more, and really be present to the life I am in. However, I missed all the memories that are stored on these accounts, and I wished that it’s not gone. That’s 16++ years of my life!

I can’t really imagine if all the memories are lost.

Wrote in to FB and IG to try to get my accounts back, but have yet to receive a response from them.

Though somehow, at the back of my mind, this change may not be a bad thing.

It’s uncomfortable and sad, yet, more than ever, I feel that I do not need to keep posting things online.

I could focus more on blogging and self reflection, which was my favourite thing to do, before FB and IG came. Haha. So see you all more on my blog!

Hope there is still someone reading this blog. Please leave some comments below if you wish to encourage a sad girl who has lost her social media accounts.

FB or IG, if you see this post, please let me have my accounts back. :'(

24 Aug 2023 – Today is the day of the blood test. To find out whether the embryo transfer was successful. My cell group leader, J, decided to accompany me to the clinic to take the blood test.

Initially, I planned to go alone by myself, as I did not want to trouble anyone. However, J kindly offered to take half day annual leave, to accompany me to the clinic. I was touched to have my cg leader /sister who cares so much for our well-being!

We met at the clinic at 8.35am. Was called in and take a blood test. The result was to be out in 2-3hours time. I was all hopeful and excited knowing that there is a chance that I may be pregnant!

After the blood test, we had breakfast in the hospital, and we were hoping that they will call before J needs to go back to work.

After finishing our breakfast, we still did not get a call. So we decided to take Grab back.

Right after getting out of the cab, I received the call from the hospital.

On the phone, she sounded really stressed and solemn. After verifying my identity, she told me the news. I am sorry to inform you that there is no sign of pregnancy at all. None.

……………..
……..
…

My world stopped. I sat at the bench beneath my block. I was too stunned to speak.

“Hello? Would you like to make another appointment for the next IVF?”

“Sorry no.. thank you.”

Took the lift home, cheerfully greeted my in laws and went into my bedroom.

I couldn’t hold my tears any longer. I called Dan and told him the news.

My sister took leave and my mother rushed over to the house the next day to make sure I am fine. It was thursday, and I had to start work the next Monday.

For the next one month, it was extremely tough, if not, one of the toughest periods of my life. I went back to work, and started on my 1 year Associate degree course. I have signed up for the course before the procedure as I wanted to put God first, and finally, be serious in studying His word.

I felt so broken because as a wife, you are supposed to bear children, and yet, after all the efforts and pains over the years, 2IUIs, 1IVF,TCM, this is an area which I still did not succeed, yet.

For someone who believes that you can achieve whatever you set out, if you want it hard enough. (Not talking about getting Olympics gold), this was a big blow to my self-esteem, as I have already tried my hardest in this area.

I realised that there are things which are out of my control, and I have to learn to trust His heart. God wants the best for His children, and He will give them the best, always. =')

I came home and cried for weeks in my bedroom, and became distant with the people I loved. I stopped talking to the people around me, and was quiet at work. At home, I even stopped talking to my spiritual mentor (my mother in law whom I can chat for hours with), as I just wanted to be on my own. I stopped contacting my church friends, and hid in my bubble of safety.

This was my way of being since young, escaping into my own shell when the going gets tough. So when you do see me physically, it’s back to my happy self, always.(thus, it's easy to misunderstand that i do not have much problems in life, but this was further than the truth.)

It was hard to open up with people, as there were many emotions that came with it, which I find it very hard to share. Plus, I know that the people around me are going through some hard times themselves too, so I did not want to trouble them with this, if I can manage it by myself.

Back at work, I had a very tight deadline to roll out my big project, which I did not want to delay further. The AA course had also many deadlines and assignments to clear.

Thankfully, during this dark period, I met up with 2 friends, who encouraged me. Dawn, my coach, told me that it might be due to the hormone injections, which was making me so emotional.

My colleagues at work, were also concerned about me, as I went to work as per usual, working hard on the project that was scheduled to be rolled out, with not much sharings about what just happened.

True enough, after a month of sobbing and crying, I suddenly felt joy one day after my period.

Suddenly, the world became brighter, and I saw the silver lining out of this devastating situation.

I started seeing hope, that life can still be good, even without children. I could love my nephew and nieces more, and have more time and money to bless others. We could still live a fruitful life, even if I couldn’t have what I wished for.

Who says we can’t be happy? Even if we face the toughest battles, who says we cannot be happy and need to live in despair and be sad daily? That is, the title of my book (which may take a decade to publish haha). Stay tuned and please support my book when I roll it out! :)

Life itself is a gift. Being in good health is a gift. Having a roof over our head, and electricity and water is a gift. Some people don’t even have all these. We are actually more blessed than we know. I refuse to be upset with what I don’t have.

There are so many blessings and answered prayers from God over the years, so I am definitely not going to be angry with Him. I may not understand why now, but I know this is the best for me.

I thank God for the courage and grace, and for my hubby, for going through this tough journey together.

It may not be the outcome we hoped, but we are going to surrender and trust God in this matter, because He always know what is the best for us. If it is not now, so be it. I won’t be trying IVF anymore (please don’t persuade me, as it is a personal choice), as it was too much for me. We will work on our health, and live our best lives while waiting!

From Oct’23 onwards, I felt so much better, and am glad to announce that I cleared my AA Degree Module 1, and got 89.5marks! Also managed to finally roll out the online forms at work. Thank God. (Update: Was surprised to receive 2 innovation awards at work during the staff meeting in Dec 2023 for the online form. Praise the Lord! What a miracle outcome after all that have happened this year.)

Am feeling much tougher inside (felt as though I have went through fire and came out safe), and am in a much better place now.

What a year 2023 has been! It was one of the most challenging years, one with many breakdowns yet many breakthroughs.

Was only able to publish my blog entry today, after taking much personal time to heal inside.

Thank you to all who have journeyed with us this year, especially to both my families.

Am determined to make use of time even better, by taking care of my health more in 2024. To love God more, and focus on self-development, so that I can take care of others more effectively.

Life is still good! Let’s jiayou together in 2024! The best is yet to be :)

Our two successful embryo :')

10 Aug 2023 – The past two days after the surgery, was mostly resting, sleeping, and recovering from the big surgery.

Having to prepare for the insertion day, we would need to insert some gel like thing, two times a day.

As it was still hurting from the procedure, I would experience cramps after each shot.

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, but we had to do it. I also had to take some medications.

We waited for the call from the embryologist, and finally, she called at 2pm today!

She informed us on the outcome of the fertilization. Thankfully, we were able to do the embryo transfer tomorrow. I was so grateful at this point. Thank you, Jesus.

Had to fast from 12am tonight and will go for an early rest. As usual, hope that I could clear my bowels before the procedure.

Pray that the procedure will go smoothly tomorrow, and implantation will occur. I would most likely be on bed rest for the next 9-11 days after tomorrow.

We have decided to update our family and friends on the outcome 3 months later, to be safe – around mid Nov’23.

Thank you all for reading the humble blog and hope it would help/encourage someone along the way, and provide some information on the whole IVF journey.

Please continue to keep us in prayers, we need it!

Thank God for bringing us this far. #believing #trusting #hope

8 Aug 2023 – Today is the day of the Egg retrieval procedure.

We were informed to go to Ward 2A to admit to the hospital at 7.30am. The actual procedure is scheduled to start at 9.30am. Hubby got to deposit at 8am.

Worrying about whether I would be able to clear my bowels before being sedated at the operating theatre, I tried my hardest to go to the toilet the night before but ended up resulting in something sad happening. (Too private to mention here)

I was to do fasting for a full day from 12am, no food, and no water.

Upon reaching the ward, we were quickly ushered to the counter do the registration and given tags so that we could enter in and out of the ward.

I went in, not knowing what to expect.

The kind nurses asked me to take off all the jewelry, and I kept them in my bag.

They then brought me to the ward, Ward 43 to wait.

Due to nervousness, I had stomachache, went to the toilet several times, and managed to clear my bowels!

It was then time for the procedure. Due to them injecting a big needle in, we were briefed beforehand of the risk of infection/risk of bleeding/etc. We were to monitor closely after the procedure, whether there was heavy bleeding/increased in weight/fever/etc.

I could only leave all my fears in God’s hands, because, every part of this IVF journey, was beyond my planning or control. This wasn’t something I was used to doing, but I am slowly learning (even now) to let go and let God.

I was brought to the operating theatre, injected a needle at the front of my hand, and was told that they would drip the General Anesthesia in, once the surgical team arrives.

I asked them whether can sedate me asap, as my heart rate was beating at an all-time high. They patiently explained that they would need to try to reduce the time I was sedated, to prevent the risk which sedation comes with.

There were more than 6 staff in the room, as I was strap down in the cold, freezing room. A nurse kindly covered my shoulders with the blanket, and another kind nurse, gently told me not to worry even though it seems intimidating.

Soon, the doctor came, I said Hello! And they wish me good luck.

They covered me with a mask and asked me to breath in and out.

“Breathe in, breathe out… don’t fight it…”

Upon the fourth breath, I was out.

Someone tapped me and I woke up from a very deep place. It was an hour plus after the operation!

I felt a slight pain in my throat, and they explained that was because they inserted some tube in earlier. Very soon, the pain in the throat subsided.

The cramps felt painful though. However, I was so glad that it was over.

I was pushed to Ward 43, to rest and wait. Am to wait for four hours before I can eat so that I don’t vomit out the food, since I have just been awake from sedation. Rested and felt hungry as could only eat at 1.30pm.

A gentle female doctor came to informed us that they managed to retrieved X number of eggs. I was relieved and grateful that the eggs were successfully retrieved, after all the injections and pain.

We were to monitor for any infection, the next few days, and wait for the embryologist call to inform us on the outcome of the fertilization.

Thank God for helping us overcome one more step of this journey, and thankful to the pastors, family and friends for all the prayers.

6 Aug 2023 – Today is Day 10 since the start of injections.

It would be a day to conquer, to overcome my anxieties, not to overthink, and go ahead to take the final 6 injections.

Woke up at 6am and took 2 jabs. The remaining of the day was resting, and blogging. Took the 3rd jab at 6pm, ate dinner, and prepared myself for the 3 Trigger jabs at night.

It was scary, but somehow, due to the prayers from all - for the whole day, I could feel a sudden boldness in my heart. It was as though an unknown strength, came, and took away all the fears with it.

It could only be God working in the midst.

We took our covid tests, and thankfully it was negative.

9.30pm came, and the trigger shots were done. It was painful, but we were so relieved that we finally finished the injection journey.

I would like to take this time to thank my medic hubby for being so brave and helping to administer each jab for me. There was a total of 23 jabs to take, and it would be so different/harder if I had to do it by myself. Thankful for him. *hugs*

Tears of joy and pain flowed, and we hugged each other tightly.

It’s finally over, I whispered/or whined. We did it! =’)

Monday would be a day of rest, before the admission to hospital on Tuesday.

We had to reach early in the morning, and we pray for a smooth extraction of the eggs, fertilization, and insertion. Please continue to keep us in prayers.

Thank you all so much for the constant prayers and thank God for sustaining us till now. Wouldn’t be able to make it so far if not for Him.

Thank you, Jesus – for being the pillar of my heart. =’)

5 Aug 2023 – Today is Day 9 since the start of injections.

It was a Saturday morning, and the appointment was at 8am. Woke up at 6am to inject the two jabs in the morning.

Reached the clinic, took the blood and waited nervously for our turn to do the scan. Doctor decided to do egg extraction on next Tuesday as the eggs are almost ready to be retrieved.

The drawing of blood was more painful than other days, but still bearable. The nurses mentioned that my veins have become smaller, so it was harder to draw the blood, which was causing more pain than usual.

We waited outside for the injection kit, and passed her the cooling bag, which was provided by the clinic on the first injection visit on 28 Jul 23.

My name was called, and we went into the room, not knowing what to expect.

The nurse went through several items with us, and I signed on it. At the back of my mind, I was wondering how many injections I must do this time. Definitely not more than 3injections/day! I thought.

How wrong I was.

We were told to inject one more time tonight: 4 jabs(include drawing of blood) in total on Saturday, and 6 jabs on Sunday. 3 of the 6 jabs to be injected on Sunday, were trigger jabs. They will to be injected at 9.30pm.*

*Disclaimer: Everybody’s IVF experience is different, as each of us has different factors and situations. I heard from my friend that she did not have to inject so many jabs on the final day. So don’t be scare off by me if it is your first time trying for IVF! The ability to not compare with others was put to good use at this point of time. Just accept it and NEXT.

Messaged my pastors, family and friends on the update, to keep us in prayers.

Went home and fell asleep immediately as was feeling too weak. This had to be the weakest I felt.

Covid test would need to be done tomorrow, to ensure that we are well, before hospital admission on next Tuesday.

Took the jab at night, after dinner.

Wondering how I would be able to take 6 jabs on Sunday, I prayed to God for help, and went to sleep early.

2 Aug 2023 – Today is Day 6 since the start of injections. Had a doctor appointment at 8.35am in the morning.

The nurses informed me that I had to take blood test, each time I come for a visit.

They did a scan and doctor mentioned that it was growing well.

Naively, I thought that the number of jabs will be the same: once a day.

After about 50mins wait for the injection kits, the nurses introduced 2 new injection kits to me, and did the 2 injections for me on the spot. One of the injection stings painfully, and the injection site was itchy and had a pinch-like feeling for 2-3hours!

After teaching me how to use the injection kits, I was told that from today, I would need to take 3 injections a day! Till 5 Aug 23. (11 jabs till Saturday morning!)

After the medical appointment, I decided to go back to work to finish up my work.

Upon going back, there was a huge pile of work to clear, and I spent the next 5+ hours going through all the documents, with little rest.

When I reached home at night, I felt very emotional and exhausted, and could not see how I was able to take the painful injections in the morning and still go to work the next two days.

Physically and mentally, it was a lot, as the pain from the injections/no. of injections/tight deadlines to meet/pile of work got into me. I cried.

I prayed and asked God for strength, to help me go through the next two days, as I have reached the limit.

Miraculously, I was able to go to work the next two days (in a weak state) and cleared a large portion of the work the next two days, wrote down all the things to follow up on + take the jabs at 6am daily.

Really thank God for the divine strength to help me through the past three days/weeks!